


Amaranthine Affections

by Astrid_Rogersdottir



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Origins, Dragon Age: Origins - Awakening
Genre: Dorks in Love, F/M, First Love, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Love, Love Confessions, Love Letters, Romantic Fluff, True Love, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-20
Updated: 2018-08-28
Packaged: 2019-05-09 08:53:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14712993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Astrid_Rogersdottir/pseuds/Astrid_Rogersdottir
Summary: Nathaniel is given a gift by his friend groundskeeper Samuel. It is an old box filled with letters between him and Commander Astrid Cousland. Written during simpler and happier times. Will these letters bring him closure to unspoken feelings or will they destroy what little friendship they have started regain?Sorry I suck at summaries.I do not own The Dragon Age Series. If I did Nate and Varric would have been romancable.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Woohoo my first archive submission! Please be kind and leave comments on how I can improve or what you like/ didn't like.
> 
> This will be between my Cousland character and Nathaniel and each chapter after the first will be the letter itself, with interludes into the past and present to help give it shape. So if the time seems wonky I apologize. I won't make a letter for every single day until the day of the attack on Highever. Mostly major points, and a few minor to help lead in or support the major point letters
> 
> These will all be Commander Cousland's letters to Nate. If things go well with this I may make another version with all of Nate's letters.
> 
> With all that being said, let's get things started!!

“ So what do you think the commander is writing in that book so intently?”

Nathaniel looked up from his project, of polishing his grandfather’s bow, to lay his steel grey eyes on one Astrid Cousland. His heart thudded harshly against his chest as he watched his commander write in her book furiously. Her smooth pale skin furrowed at the brow. Here grass green eyes focused on every word she was writing. While her hair, as red as the Autumn leaves in Amaranthine, was tied back similar to his with braids framing her face under her ear. This woman, Hero of Ferelden, is considered one of the most powerful and dangerous people alive. Managed to defy the rules of killing an Archdemon, united the races, fought horrors unimaginable and is considered a silver tongued diplomat. To the people she was a force to be reckoned with. To him; she was just so damn beautiful.

Astrid had felt eyes on her and looked up and smiled, giving him a small wave. He wasn’t sure but he thought he saw her cheeks go red. But as quickly as she looked up at him she was back to writing in that little black book of hers.

“ Seriously what do you think she is writing in that book?” Sigrun questioned again, her legionnaire focus staring down her commander.

“ Maybe it’s a list of all her enemies and what she will do to them when found.” Velanna quipped.

“ Maybe she’s writing her own story about her glorious adventures.” Sigrun marveled

“ Ehhehehehe maybe she’s writing a saucy romance novel.” Oghren commented.

“ Not everyone is as dirty as you Oghren..” Sigrun argued

“ Maybe it’s her little black sex book.”

Everyone turned to look at Anders, a smug look plastered across his face.  
“ what? Don’t tell me you all never heard of a little black book filled with the names of all the people you had “relations” with have you?” Everyone in the keep stared on horror as looked to their commander writing and then to Anders. “ There is no way that journal has that many names. She’s to nice for that.” Sigrun protested. “ As someone who spent time with her during the blight I can tell you that ain’t true. She could drink, but when it came to bumping uglies she is a frigid Ice queen.” Oghren testified. After a long period of silence even Justice chimed in. “ I agree with the dwarf. From what I have seen she is far too virtuous to fall for the sins of flesh. Her life force is still pure from the taint of those who had dealings in such desires.”

Nathaniel had enough of this talk. They were all gossiping about their commander for Maker's sake! Now Justice accidentally outed her as a virgin. This had to stop. “ Or maybe that’s her agenda book and she is writing plans for when visiting dignitaries come. She is a Noble after all.” Nathaniel snapped. His rough voice sounding indignant to this conversation. Anders just shrugged his shoulders. “ Fine, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she didn’t have the name of someone in there she’d want to fu-“  
“What are you all talking about?” Everyone suddenly heard the soft, yet firm voice of their commander behind them. Her hand resting on her hip while the other balanced a stack of books in them. “ Ahahaha nothing commander. Just comrades in arms talking .” Astrid didn’t buy it for a second, but she didn’t feel like prying the information out of them either. “ well if you all are finished gossiping about whatever it was you were talking about. I believe you all have some work to do.” They knew that was their cue to go and find something productive before Astrid found something for them, so all of them immediately ran off to find something to occupy their time. Astrid just shook her head and looked to Nathaniel who was chuckling softly. “ you always have to threaten them don’t you?”  
“ if I didn’t I would have wardens running amok in the keep.” Nathaniel couldn’t help but laugh. That was one of the money things he admired about Astrid, even when they were just young nobles. Despite being a woman, she didn’t take any guff. Not from her brother, suitors, his brother or even him. He was still surprised that she had even let him live after finding out who he was, even let him go. It never escaped him. He needed to know why she did so he asked, no begged, her to let him join. She was hesitant but accepted the help. After that she did everything she could to try and be friendly. She even fetched his grandfather’s bow for him and letters from Delilah, in a darkspawn infested basement no less. He knew from there she wanted to be friends…but he wanted more. Their past held something special from before his time in the free marches. But, time and what his fathered did; he feared he could never have that back. So he resolved to be happy that he could call her a friend again.

“ You haven’t changed a bit.” He commented with amusement. “ What? of course I have. I am a darkspawn fighting legend and commander of the grey.” She claimed proudly. It was nice to see her pride hadn’t been damaged either. “ That confidence. One of the many things I always adored about you.”

“What?” Astrid asked. Shock written on her face. Nathaniel realized what he said and internally kicked himself for it. “ I mean…I…. I meant that in a friendly way commander. Your confidence…it is something to be admired and adored. You inspire a lot of people.”  
“Oh….” There was an awkward silence for a few moments, neither wanting to look the other in the eyes, when Astrid suddenly realized something. “ Oh! I nearly forgot. You remember groundskeeper Samuel? He wanted to speak to you. Said he had a few of your things he wanted to give back.” 

Groundskeeper Samuel. Oh how glad he was to hear that name and that he still worked for his family’s home. He was sure he would have been removed for possible ties to his family. It seemed Astrid saved him from that as well. “ Oh? What things exactly?”  
“ I am unsure. He wouldn’t tell me.”  
“ then I will go and have a quick visit with him. I will speak to you later.”  
“ Right. I will go ahead and get back to work. A commander’s job is never finished. Hehe.” With that she scurried off to whatever office was open to lock herself away with treaties and decrees. Nathaniel just sighed and headed for the grounds to see what Samuel needed of him.

Finding Samuel didn’t take long. He was right where he always was when he wasn't tending to the keep, tending to his little garden outside his home. “Samuel my old friend!” The aged elf looked up and smiled when he saw Nathaniel approach. “ Ah, little Nate. How are you doing today?”  
“ I am well Samuel and yourself?”  
“ I am alive and get to work another day in your family’s old home. So it is a great day.” Nathaniel smiled at his dear friend's words. He was always a trusted confidant when he was younger and he learned a lot about plants from him. To Nathaniel he owed him a great deal. “ Is everything alright Nathaniel? Did you need something?” Nathaniel snapped out of his thoughts and remembered why he was here. “ Right! The commander told me you wished to talk to me…that…you had some of my things.” Samuel immediately perked up when this was mentioned and rose from his spot in the dirt. “Ah, yes. Let me go get them for you. I think you will be happy to see them.”  
Nathaniel waited patiently outside as Samuel went in to retrieve whatever it was he had saved for him. He wondered what it could have been. Was it a toy from his childhood? His first bow? Maybe even some old things of his mother’s. He wasn’t sure but he was getting anxious to see what he had.

It wasn't long until Samuel came out with what appeared to be a large box of something. It seemed full but it wasn’t heavy in the slightest for Samuel. The old elf saw the confused look on Nathaniel’s face and smiled. “ Do you remember when you were younger when you and Miss Cousland use to send letters to each other via messenger bird, or through me, so your father wouldn’t notice?” Nathaniel’s cheeks heated up and he looked away from his friend. How could he forget? Before being sent away those were the brighter spots of his life. Sending letters to her so he could continue to speak to her long after his family left Highever or vise versa. “ I remember very well Samuel. They were some of my fonder memories.” Samuel smiled as he offered the box to his old friend. “ Your father had ordered the cleaning staff to dispose of any letters in your room after you left. He didn’t want a trace of Cousland in the house…Thankfully the maid in charge was kind and enjoyed seeing your face after getting a letter. So she saved them and handed them off to me to hide. She’d also check in every so often to see if she kept writing…it seems she did.” Nathaniel had the look of a child who had just received the best Christmas gift of his life. “Thank you Samuel. I don’t know what to say. It will be very….comforting during this time to read them.” Samuel only smiled as he placed the box in his hands. “ It was no trouble Nathaniel. I do want you to make me a promise.” Nathaniel looked away from the box to see his friend’s smile had been replaced with a more serious look. “ Of course Samuel. Anything you need.”  
“ I want you to promise me that you will read all of the letters. From first to last. And that you won’t….think of Miss Astrid any different than before. Just remember these were written during a different time.” Nathaniel was a little taken aback by the sudden request given. He had to admit it was not what he expected. However, he couldn’t bring himself to refuse Samuel’s request. He gave him a slight nod and brought the box closer to his chest. “ Samuel, you have my word that I will read all of these letters to bring myself closure for the events that happened. I will not hold these against her and ruin the friendship I’m slowly regaining with her.” This seem to put the old elf at ease, as his shoulders relaxed and his smile returned. “ Good to hear. Now if you’ll excuse me I believe I should best get back to gardening g before it gets too dark.” With that they said their goodbyes and Nathaniel was left clinging to a box of memories. After a moment of watching his friend return to his duties he decided that the best place to read these would be away from the prying eyes of the keep. Specifically that insufferable mage, Anders. So he quickly made his way back to his quarters.

Thankfully his room wasn’t far, and his comrades were busy with tasks given to them by their commander. Once inside the safety of his Chambers he gently placed the worn box on his desk and stared at it for a moment in apprehension. Did he really want to read these letters? Did he really want to know Astrid’s feelings on him? Did he want to remember all those cherished moments that his father tainted?.....Did he really want to open this box of potential pain?

After letting these thoughts swim for a moment he shook his head and regained his resolve. He made a promise to Samuel and he would keep it. So with the courage he managed to muster up he opened the box to let the scent of old parchment and ink fill his senses. It was actually comforting. It reminded him of a simpler time. When he could write to his heart's content and not have his father scold him.

He gingerly picked up the first letter, the oldest looking one, and smiled when he flipped it over to see the date…This was the very first letter she sent.

A wave of nostalgia hit him as he remembered that hot summer day he received it. He was too tired to train and his father had left for Denerim, so he had been bored in his room for most of the day. A smile crept onto his face as he unfolded the letter and began to read. 

“ Dear Nathaniel…..”


	2. Nathaniel age: 15-16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> HOORAY FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER.
> 
> Sorry it took so long, but life can be very busy with college getting in the way, and I was afraid no one really liked this. I want to thank the lovely commenter who posted on my first chapter. Thank you for being nice and spurring me to keep writing this. I really do enjoy. Simple words of kindness are sometimes all it takes.
> 
> Well, enough of that lets get on with the story! Sorry if the flow is a little off. It has been a couple months. I hope you all enjoy!

_15th day of Solis, 9:16 Dragon_

      Nathaniel laid on his unkept bed in listless boredom. The summer heat was now in full swing and he couldn’t find the desire to even look at his bow, let alone pick it up and train. It was a good thing his father had already left for Denerim for some ridiculous affair for the king or he would find even more reason to chastise him for not living up to the Howe name. All be cause, Maker forbid, he wanted a lazy day and do nothing but figure a way to beat this gods forsaken heat.

He loved his home, he really did, but the summers in Amaranthine could be the absolute worst at times. Being so close to the ocean itself meant they were prone to many summer storms, and after that humidity that could very well choke out an archdemon. And that is exactly what he was dealing with right at that very moment. They had just gone the last three days with a non-stop torrential down pour, and now the sun has finally returned to grace the world with its gift of life and punish the people by making the world a stifling and hazy place to live.

Nathaniel let out a heavy sigh and mustered all the energy he could to pull himself from his sweat covered sheets. He needed to find something to do to keep his mind off the weather before it threatened to drive him mad.

Making his way towards his wardrobe he opened the large double oakwood doors to the chest and stared into the abyss to figure out something light he could wear. Why his mother always insisted he have all these clothes he will never know. Over half of this stuff he has he only wore once and swore he would never wear again. He was much more comfortable wearing a simple tunic and a pair of breeches, but maker forbid the son of a noble dress like a common, yet comfortable, man. There were days he hated the status he was born with. Everything you did, said and even wore was under constant scrutiny by every other highborn bastard that is vying for your spot. If he could he would tell them to piss off and throw it all away, but sadly as the eldest son he didn’t have that choice. He wanted to make his family proud, and if that meant he would have to play the part of perfect little doll, so be it.

After some time, he decided on a pair of grey breeches and steel blue tunic made of a very light and fine material. He smiled as his hands ran across the satin like fabric. This shirt had been a gift from the Couslands on his birthday this year. More specifically, it had been a gift from Astrid. Her parents had gifted him with a lovely new quiver and bolts and her brother had their blacksmith make him a dagger to keep in his boot, or on his belt, when he went out anywhere. All were great gifts, but he much preferred Astrid’s, but mostly for the memory of receiving. Just thinking about it made him turn red in the cheeks and laugh softly.

 He had gotten many extravagant gifts from other highborn girls and their families. Many outdid her gift in price and extravagance, but that didn’t matter. When he got to the gifts from the Couslands he could tell thought had been put into them compared to the others. The quiver had been made to fit his slowly broadening shoulders, with an adjustable strap and made of a durable druffalo hide. His new bolts were made from Sylvanwood with falcon feathers for the fletching, and the dagger was made from high grade steel with both his and the Cousland family crests on the hilt of it to show their close friendship. These two gifts were great on their own, but the shirt meant more to him. He had remembered complaining to her that he hated that he didn’t own anything light for when the summer hit, before he stopped to apologize for venting to her. Her gift showed she listened to his griping and took it to heart. Then, in typical older brother fashion, Fergus outed her for having a hand in every gift there via suggestions and she chose the color of the shirt because it matched his eyes. She was red in the face after that and it took everything in her power not to run over and throttle Fergus at the other end of the table. It took just as much reserve from him to not run over and hug her in thanks, that would be too improper for their statuses. She was the daughter of Teyrn after all and he was the son of an Arl.

Nate shook those thoughts from his head and went back to put on his boots. He may as well get out of this room, so the maids could finally change the sheets. From there he will figure it out. He knew his brother would probably be out flirting with a serving girl and his sister would be enjoying the sun, why he wasn’t sure, so he was on his own.

Just as he was about to head out he heard a gentle rapping at his chamber door. When he walked over and opened it he saw one of the maids, a petite young elf girl with brown hair and blue eyes. She gave him a deep bow and presented him with what looked like a handful of papers. “Forgive me for intruding on you my lord, but a messenger bird came today, and the letter was addressed to you.” Nate was confused for a moment. He wasn’t expecting any letters. Was it another one of those pesky noble girls calling for him? How many rejections did he have to give? Or maybe it was from his father to remind him of his duties? Like he needed to be reminded, he wasn’t Thomas. “Amari was it? You are fine. You were not interrupting me of anything. In fact, I was just about to leave my room and go for a walk. But I will take the letter now though, thank you.” Nathaniel took the letter from her and smiled, making the elven girl blush in embarrassment. “Forgive me Messer, but I saw a crest peeking out from the parchment. I... I believe it is from the Couslands.”

Cousland? Now why would they be trying to get a hold of him? Teryn Cousland would want to speak to his father and his wife would much rather speak to his mother or Delilah. Was this Fergus writing to ask something of him for their next visit? Maybe a competition of which weapon was better. Or, Was it…. “You are forgiven Amari. Their crest is rather large, and it can’t be helped to see it peeking from papers. I will take this with me and leave you to your work.” Nathaniel nodded one more farewell to the girl before going to look for a place to read this. He needed to find a quiet place to read this, in the off chance it was who he thinks it is he couldn’t risk Thomas seeing and pitching a fit that she wrote him instead of Thomas. Suddenly, he got the idea to go to one of the many studies they had. Thomas avoided those rooms like the plague, like the books in there would cause some sort of deadly disease if he so much as touched them. It didn’t take him long to find one of the studies on the upper floor abandoned, save for a few scraps of paper and a quill for writing notes on the spacious hardwood desk.

Nathaniel shut the door behind him and walked over to pull the heavy curtains aside to let in the blasted afternoon sun. As much as he hated the heat it brought, he really didn’t want to waste a candle when the sun still had usefulness. Once, he was pleased with the lighting he made himself comfortable in the plush hardback chair and flipped open the letter. As he told Amari, the Cousland family crest, despite being a fairly simple one, was large and hard not to miss on the parchment. But, that wasn’t what caused the smile on his lips. It seemed he was right to find a place far from Thomas to read this. Because this had been written by Astrid herself. He knew her flowing script anywhere, from all the times they passed notes at each other’s homes when bored at events. Nathaniel wasted no time after that and begun reading the letter. Each line making him smile or turn red as he continued on:

_Dear Nathaniel,_

_That wasn’t too formal was it? I don’t want you to think I am writing on some Maker forsaken business reason. I just…wanted to continue our talks. Our families do not visit often these days and our homes are too far to make regular journeys to visit, especially in this heat!_

_Anyway, how are you doing? I heard there is a summer illness making its way around, do try and avoid it wont you? How has your archery training been going? I still think daggers are a better option, more up close and personal, but I can see the usefulness of it. Unlike a CERTAIN OLDER BROTHER WHO NEEDS TO STOP READING OVER MY SHOULDER! I am sorry about that. It is a curse of being the youngest, but you wouldn’t know as you are in the older brother position._

_Either way, I wanted to ask if Maybe you can teach me a little archery the next we meet? You never know when that will come in handy._

_I hope the shirt I picked for your gift fit well. I wasn’t completely sure of your size, so I made an educated guess. Hopefully it isn’t too snug on you, as it seems you have filled out a bit more since we last saw each other… I am sorry! That was too forward!... But I do mean it. You are growing to become a very handsome man Nathaniel…Any woman, noble or not, would be very lucky to have you wrapped around their arm._

_I also noticed that your hair is growing out a little bit. Your father usually makes you chop it off the second it shows signs of wispiness, but it seems you have eluded him for the time being. Are you going to cut it again? I hope not. I think long hair would suit you. Maybe to the base of the neck, with the bangs pulled back. Yeah, I think that would suit you very well. Maybe some light facial hair too, you do have a strong jawline for it…._

_Umm…I am rambling and making a fool of myself, aren’t I? I do apologize, but you are very easy to talk to Nathaniel. You, my brother and Ser Gilmore are the few people I feel I can speak freely around and be who I wish to be, instead of what my title wants of me._

_I think I am going to end this letter here before I end up saying too much here. If my letter didn’t absolutely terrify you from me, then please feel free to write back to me. I do enjoy our conversations._

_I look forward to your letter or our next visit._

_Your friend (was this too formal?),_

_Astrid Cousland._

Nathaniel was practically red with both embarrassment and restraining his amusement. So, Astrid thought him handsome huh? And even thinks he has filled out as well. He had no words for her bold declarations. Then again, that’s what he liked about her. She was bold and said what was on her mind and didn’t care who heard it. She wouldn’t hold it in and gossip like the other girls of her stature. She would be heard. In his eyes that girl could marry a king when she came of age with her kind of demeanor.

Nathaniel touched the back of his hair where his hair was, in fact, starting to grow out a little bit. How she saw it when she was here last, he will never know. He did his best to hide it from his father. He was fed up with the haircuts as well. He grew tired of having the same hair as his father and brother. He wanted something different, and if Astrid had an idea that she thinks would suit him…then maybe he will entertain it. He rubbed at his chin in contemplation at the other part as well. Strong jawline? Did she really think that? Maybe he will grow a little stubble, maybe a patch of facial hair between his lip and chin to see how it looks. Astrid seems to have been observing him very closely.

This made him grow even more red with embarrassment. She had been watching him so closely that she was able to see his lowly growing hair, assess his features and figure out his shirt size. This girl did all of this with a keen eye. Did she happen to notice when he would look at her as well? How her bright green eyes lit up whenever she landed a hit with her weapon, or when she had a new idea to cause a little trouble for fun at home. How her hair caught the sun and made him think of the welcoming embrace of autumn and the vibrant colors it brings. How she could light up a room, in his opinion, when she spoke….Did she notice how he watched her dance at these parties. Wanting to snatch her from other noble boys, and his brother, so he could have her to himself to talk and have a good time together. How she was filling out to be a capable young woman in his eyes. Her dresses were starting to compliment her features. No more were the days of her in bulky lace dresses, with layers of petticoats and gawdy pastel colors, with braids in her hair and smiles full of missing teeth. Now it was dresses of earthy greens and browns that brought out the color of her eyes and vibrancy of her red hair. With necklines that showcased her… desired features and pale skin. Hair done simple but still tasteful and elegant with as little make up as possible. A stark difference to the other women he had seen at these parties. She was a true gem among costume jewelry.

Nathaniel coughed a little to do his best to regain his composure. If he continued to think about her like that… It could become a very stressful situation soon. He placed the letter down on the desk and started to tap the polished surface in contemplation. Should he write her? He may as well. It seems she worked up a lot of her courage to write hers and use one of her family messenger birds to send this to him. But what would he write to her? If he wasn’t careful he could end up spilling everything to her. Like with her, he felt he could share anything to her as well. The only other person he felt he could do that with was the groundskeeper, Samuel. The kind old elf always provided him with a listening ear when his life was becoming a bother and offered him, what he believed to be, true fatherly advice.

Nathaniel stared at the letter for what seemed like an eternity, long enough that the sun was starting to set and be of no use. Supper would be called soon, and he needed to get this back to his room before Thomas saw it. He hefted himself out of the chair and made sure to leave everything as it was before he got in. Maker forbid his father used one of these studies and it didn’t look like it did before it was used.

He quietly made his way through the winding halls and corridors and got back to his room, now tidy and with fresh sheets. He would have to thank Amari and the others for the quick work they did and not disturbing his other items. He walked over to his personal desk and placed the letter on the top shelf as he fished out some blank parchment, and inkwell, a quill and a candle he kept in his lower drawer.

He was just about to settle in to write when he heard Amari’s voice on the other end of the door. “Forgive me again my lord, but supper will soon be ready, and I wanted to inform you so not to worry your mother.” Nathaniel let out a defeated sigh and put down his quill. As much as he wanted to dismiss dinner and write Astrid back, he didn’t want to run the risk of his mother thinking he was ill and fetching the doctor. He would never know peace then.

“It is fine Amari. I will be done in a moment. Thank you.” Nathaniel informed her as he got ready to eat. He would just have to wait to write her back. It didn’t stop him from smiling as he looked over to where he had started. He had only written one word, but that one word was enough to make him grin like a boy anticipating a gift from his father and would lead to more reasons for him to looking forward to seeing the messenger birds coming in to roost. He made his way quickly towards the dining hall. The sooner he was done eating, the sooner he could get back. That wouldn’t stop that single word from dancing around in his head as it waited for him to return and continue where he left off

That single word, that would captivate him to no end, was:

 

“Astrid,”


End file.
